Original book ideaRomance

A Museum of Very Bad Kisses

In 1913, an etiquette lecturer and a theater carpenter assemble a comic exhibition of failed courtship objects. Their project becomes popular for all the wrong reasons, and the pair must risk an unpolished private connection after teaching the town how to judge everyone else's.

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How it begins

The first exhibit in Helen Ward's museum was a ring returned by registered post.

The second was a bouquet sent to the wrong sister. The third had not arrived because its owner wanted written assurance that nobody would laugh at the umbrella.

'It is a museum of very bad kisses,' Albert Ford said. 'Laughter may be difficult to exclude.'

Helen stood on a crate to straighten the temporary sign. At thirty-seven, she had lectured on introductions in church rooms, assembly halls, and once a livestock pavilion. She knew what happened when people were offered permission to be unkind under an educational heading.

'We shall laugh at the instructions,' she said. 'Not the participants.'

Albert, forty-four and carrying a carpenter's pencil behind his ear, looked at her prepared labels.

'This one says: A gentleman never mistakes a silence for encouragement.'

'A useful instruction.'

'Perhaps we need a larger label.'

He built her one.

By noon the exhibition had acquired a cracked teacup, an abandoned railway sandwich, and a glove whose accompanying note requested that it be displayed well away from the ring. Helen recorded the donors' permissions in a ledger. Albert constructed small screens to prevent visitors reading names through the back of the cases.

It was satisfying work. Unexpectedly companionable, too. He asked before moving her papers and listened to the whole answer when she explained a problem.

Then the mayor's secretary delivered an object in a velvet box.

Inside lay a tiny painted ladder. Its label read: FOR THE LADY WHO CONSIDERED EVERYONE BENEATH HER.

Helen recognized the handwriting before she recognized the ladder.

Albert saw her expression.

'We don't have to accept it.'

'That would seem defensive.'

'You are allowed to defend yourself.'

Outside, a queue had begun forming beneath the new sign. Somewhere in it stood the man who had once called her impossible to please, waiting to watch other people agree.

Helen closed the velvet box.

'Would you help me write a different label?' she asked.

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Outline and characters

Develop this idea

This is a romance about the difference between consideration and performance. Let period etiquette provide specific obstacles without making every historical character a caricature. Helen's professional skill should remain useful; she does not need to become less intelligent or less demanding to be loved. Albert's patience must coexist with limits and flaws. The exhibition supplies comedy, while donor consent prevents its premise from turning into cruelty disguised as charming village gossip.

Helen and Albert build an exhibition that treats failed courtship objects with care.
A mocking personal donation makes Helen's own romantic history public.
They establish a right to withdraw exhibits despite pressure from the museum sponsor.
Visitors prefer sensational labels and the committee asks Helen to soften her rules.
Albert's quietly practical kindness becomes more attractive than polished demonstrations of manners.
His own donated object reveals a mistake he has never explained honestly.
They disagree about whether a public correction can repair a private embarrassment.
Helen cancels a popular judging competition that would rank the town's failed lovers.
They invite donors to rewrite their labels, accepting an untidy exhibition and reduced receipts.
After closing, Helen and Albert attempt an imperfect private first kiss with an explicit invitation.

Characters